So we’ve all seen the movies. A girl sneaks a boy into her house in the middle of the night, the dad just happens to wake up for a glass of milk. The next thing you know , he wanders into his daughters bedroom. This is the very moment that all your worst fears come into play.
So there was a point and time,where I was hooking up with this, tiny little Spanish girl. She was an artsy little fuck. Paints, draws, anything you can think of and she was damn good to. Well let me paint you this picture , art wasn’t all she was good at. She is first generation immigrant in this country, so her parents are old school. Well at this point I had been hooking up with her on the regular for a couple months. She had recently gotten in trouble. So she wasn’t allowed to leave her house , basically only to go to class. So she used to sneak me in at like 2 in the morning, while her parents were sleeping and we would chill.
This time things went horribly wrong. We were in her room and her father walks in , his daughter is in a rather compromising position. A position that would make Snoop happy, if you catch my drift. All I hear is Spanish screaming, I have not a clue what was said. The next thing that came out of her mouth I heard very clearly, “Just run!” Little did I know what was really about to unfold in the next 90 seconds. I quickly grab my pants, throw them on. I hear someone screaming from the kitchen in broken English. He’s getting closer . Where are my shoes?!?! Fuck shoes! As I dart down the hallway towards the front door. I see out of the corner of my eye, a 50 something year old Spanish man running towards me screaming with a gun. Alright so it wasn’t’ a shotgun , like you usually see in the movies, but it was a gun none the less. This is when the real panic starts to set in and all you can say is “FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!” My body explodes out the front door , almost as if I was fucking running with the bulls in Barcelona. Lucky for me , I never parked at her house I parked down the street. By the time he hit the front door , I was fucking out. I never knew my feet could work so fast. I should have gotten a Gatorade endorsement for that kind of movement.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Southern Discomfort
What is it about Southern Comfort, that it makes you wanna do the most ridiculous shit? Every year, I take a trip down to Virginia for some family, friends, skateboarding and just sheer recklessness. A couple years ago, we took a trip it was me and two of my buddies from New York. The first night we are down there, we decide to go stay with one of my friends at Radford University. He was having a keg party and we thought it would be a good idea to split a handle of SoCo between the three of us. Its decisions like this, that make my life so interesting at times.
So the bottle is done now and honestly I haven’t the slightest clue what time it is. One of my friends has disappeared, we have no idea where he is, we will call him friend # 1. My other friend has wandered off as well. At this point I was with some girl, who I consider relatively attractive, I want to say her name was Rachel?, but really who knows. So I’m roaming around the campus with my newly befriended Rachel, bouncing around from party to party. There was a point where we were walking through the parking lot. I kept hearing a car alarm going off, as we get closer to the sound. I see the car, its my car. I’m pretty much like what the fuck is going on. I get up to the car and there is friend # 1, at this point he is an absolute disgrace to his own well known party college of New York, Ualbany. He is throwing up all over the place , pretty much just causing a scene , but at least the car alarm was drowning out the sound of puke splashing against the pavement, it was nothing but SoCo and Bojangles.
So we help him collect his life back together and we get back to my friends. Now the girl is like I gotta go, turns out she didn’t go to school there either. How the fuck we found our way back , the lord only knows. My other friend somehow made it back around this time too. Now I’m not too happy , I just lost the only thing I had going for me that night. So I’m sitting there and this chick walks in and she was…well, lets just say her body just really wasn’t that flattering for her. I’m wasted off my ass , I have absolutely NO idea what is going on at this point in the night. So I’m flirting with this girl and out of the corner of my eye, I see this fishbowl. This wasn’t just any fishbowl. This was a fishbowl full of rainbow colored sprinkles or “jimmies” if you’re from god damn Philadelphia. Automatically I’m just like , I have to have this bowl of sprinkles in my hands right now. Lets fast forward about 10 minutes, I’m now sitting on a couch in my buddies apartment, he is no where to be found. I’m with this chick and I am holding a 3 gallon fish bowl filled with rainbow sprinkles.
Okay, only the Southern Comfort knows what possessed me to make my next move. I start throwing sprinkles at this chick. It started as pinches of sprinkles , then handfuls and then I just decided to go full force with this , I dumped the entire rest of the bowl on top of her head. There are sprinkles everywhere and I mean everywhere he had a light colored couch and his carpet was a light shade of grey. My friends are just looking at me in utter disgust and can not believe they are witnessing what I am doing. Morning comes I wake up in a sea of sprinkles next to a fat chick. I pretty much just discovered the most disgustingly interesting way to make multi-colored carpet.
So the bottle is done now and honestly I haven’t the slightest clue what time it is. One of my friends has disappeared, we have no idea where he is, we will call him friend # 1. My other friend has wandered off as well. At this point I was with some girl, who I consider relatively attractive, I want to say her name was Rachel?, but really who knows. So I’m roaming around the campus with my newly befriended Rachel, bouncing around from party to party. There was a point where we were walking through the parking lot. I kept hearing a car alarm going off, as we get closer to the sound. I see the car, its my car. I’m pretty much like what the fuck is going on. I get up to the car and there is friend # 1, at this point he is an absolute disgrace to his own well known party college of New York, Ualbany. He is throwing up all over the place , pretty much just causing a scene , but at least the car alarm was drowning out the sound of puke splashing against the pavement, it was nothing but SoCo and Bojangles.
So we help him collect his life back together and we get back to my friends. Now the girl is like I gotta go, turns out she didn’t go to school there either. How the fuck we found our way back , the lord only knows. My other friend somehow made it back around this time too. Now I’m not too happy , I just lost the only thing I had going for me that night. So I’m sitting there and this chick walks in and she was…well, lets just say her body just really wasn’t that flattering for her. I’m wasted off my ass , I have absolutely NO idea what is going on at this point in the night. So I’m flirting with this girl and out of the corner of my eye, I see this fishbowl. This wasn’t just any fishbowl. This was a fishbowl full of rainbow colored sprinkles or “jimmies” if you’re from god damn Philadelphia. Automatically I’m just like , I have to have this bowl of sprinkles in my hands right now. Lets fast forward about 10 minutes, I’m now sitting on a couch in my buddies apartment, he is no where to be found. I’m with this chick and I am holding a 3 gallon fish bowl filled with rainbow sprinkles.
Okay, only the Southern Comfort knows what possessed me to make my next move. I start throwing sprinkles at this chick. It started as pinches of sprinkles , then handfuls and then I just decided to go full force with this , I dumped the entire rest of the bowl on top of her head. There are sprinkles everywhere and I mean everywhere he had a light colored couch and his carpet was a light shade of grey. My friends are just looking at me in utter disgust and can not believe they are witnessing what I am doing. Morning comes I wake up in a sea of sprinkles next to a fat chick. I pretty much just discovered the most disgustingly interesting way to make multi-colored carpet.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Welcome To The Garden State
So, It’s springtime 2006. The warm weather is finally coming back around and it’s about to be my 2nd summer in the oh so wonderful Rockland County, NY. I had just started chilling with a consistent group of people , solidifying my acclimation to the New York lifestyle. I’ve been rolling full force for the past year meeting girls left and right.
Well one night I’m sitting around with my newly established friends and were trying to figure out what the fuck were gonna do tonight. The goal is obvious, get wasted and get laid. Around this time, my phone goes off. It’s this girl from Jersey that I had hooked up with a few times. I had met her through a chain of girls that I had been hooking up with. She was the 4th link in this chain so far. She’s like …
Jersey Girl- “Do you wanna burn?”
Me - “Sure, but I’m with a couple of my boys right now”
Jersey Girl - “That’s Fine, bring them we’ll have some fun.”
At this point in my relationship with this girl, I know she is a freak and loves to get fucked. So, I look at my boys and I’m like were all gonna get laid tonight. Obviously, They have their doubts. I mean they just met me, they don’t fully understand how I work and what I do. So, we twist up a blunt , drive down to Paramus to go see this girl. Well we get there and she had failed to mention that we really had nowhere to chill and smoke this shit. So blunt ride it is. I was determined to get something good out of this. So I toss the keys to my friend Mark and tell him to drive. I jump in the back seat with the girl. So we go for this drive, we burn. It’s your typical , jersey drive. Big ass houses and people who can’t drive for shit . Oh , and no left turns. So were all high as fuck just driving around aimlessly. I’m in the back with this girl , she starts just blowing me. She’s going to work , I continue conversation with the rest of the car. Jersey girls are always very confused as to why we call them all sluts. Well ladies, this is why. After she is done blowing me, and swallowing a nice sized team of my best swimmers. I tell my friend to pull over the car. I tap on Kyle’s shoulder and I tell him to get in the back seat , I jumped up front. This is what surprises me the most out of this , the kid actually made out with her. Right after I got done rinsing her mouth out with my man juice. 5 minuntes later, she has her lips wrapped around his cock now. I just laughed . She finishes him off, now its time for the 3rd rotation in this story . Mark jumps in the back . I’m pretty sure somewhere in between he had a lightbulb go off in his head.
Pretty much , he gives her this look like you are fucking insane if you think I am kissing you right now. He pretty much just looks at me in amazement. “Welcome to New Jersey”.
Well one night I’m sitting around with my newly established friends and were trying to figure out what the fuck were gonna do tonight. The goal is obvious, get wasted and get laid. Around this time, my phone goes off. It’s this girl from Jersey that I had hooked up with a few times. I had met her through a chain of girls that I had been hooking up with. She was the 4th link in this chain so far. She’s like …
Jersey Girl- “Do you wanna burn?”
Me - “Sure, but I’m with a couple of my boys right now”
Jersey Girl - “That’s Fine, bring them we’ll have some fun.”
At this point in my relationship with this girl, I know she is a freak and loves to get fucked. So, I look at my boys and I’m like were all gonna get laid tonight. Obviously, They have their doubts. I mean they just met me, they don’t fully understand how I work and what I do. So, we twist up a blunt , drive down to Paramus to go see this girl. Well we get there and she had failed to mention that we really had nowhere to chill and smoke this shit. So blunt ride it is. I was determined to get something good out of this. So I toss the keys to my friend Mark and tell him to drive. I jump in the back seat with the girl. So we go for this drive, we burn. It’s your typical , jersey drive. Big ass houses and people who can’t drive for shit . Oh , and no left turns. So were all high as fuck just driving around aimlessly. I’m in the back with this girl , she starts just blowing me. She’s going to work , I continue conversation with the rest of the car. Jersey girls are always very confused as to why we call them all sluts. Well ladies, this is why. After she is done blowing me, and swallowing a nice sized team of my best swimmers. I tell my friend to pull over the car. I tap on Kyle’s shoulder and I tell him to get in the back seat , I jumped up front. This is what surprises me the most out of this , the kid actually made out with her. Right after I got done rinsing her mouth out with my man juice. 5 minuntes later, she has her lips wrapped around his cock now. I just laughed . She finishes him off, now its time for the 3rd rotation in this story . Mark jumps in the back . I’m pretty sure somewhere in between he had a lightbulb go off in his head.
Pretty much , he gives her this look like you are fucking insane if you think I am kissing you right now. He pretty much just looks at me in amazement. “Welcome to New Jersey”.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Who the fuck are you?
So it's just a normal Friday night, except for the fact that I'm flat broke. I still wanted to go out, I need the social interaction in my life. Well since I'm broke, i obviously realize that I'm not gonna be able to by a god damn thing at the bar. So here comes the pre-game, a very heavy pre-game. It starts with a few games of beer pong at one of my buddies houses, which is always a good start to the evening anyway. On top of the many games of beer pong. I'm having a mix drink , orange juice and vodka. With me and my drinks it tends to be liquor with a splash of something else. Now it's time to go out and I'm pretty much blacked out , it's only about eleven at this point. We hop in a cab and go into town.
So we go to our usually spot of the night, or at least the starting point of most nights, O'malleys. I get there and everyone and their mother is out. So I'm feeling pretty good that this is gonna be a good night. So i go in, a couple friends buy me drinks , i have some shots. The night is going good. I'm outside having a cigarette with my friends, just being an complete obnoxious drunk. When i drink and i get to that level , i tend to talk to anyone and everyone that has a fucking vagina. This group of girls walks by , i obviously had to open my mouth. "Hey you! You with the fucking blond hair, get over here." I'm still a little shocked that she actually came over , because i definitely was that raging drunk outside the bar. I have no idea who this girl is, were talking and her friend comes up. " Do you know Travis? He's a real asshole!" I'm like you should probably listen to your friend. She laughs it off. At this point, I'm definitely gonna go in for the kill on this one tonight. It took me all of five minutes to convince her to leave her friends and come chill with me. Yes, I'm the asshole who drives when he is drunk. This particular time, I'm surprised we made it back, but we did. Then we did the damn thing .
Okay. Morning i wake up , I'm still hazy on where i even am. I roll over. I see a naked girl, okay normally, not a bad situation. Who the fuck is this? I have never seen this person in my life . So i drive her home. The whole way there, I'm thinking in my head. Amanda? Erika? Julie? Now i dropped her off ,and I'm on the way home and this is driving me nuts. Finally , I'm like fuck it. I'm gonna text her and ask. "This may be kinda awkward and i don't wanna be a dick, but what's your name and who are you? And she just laughs it off, really your just gonna laugh off. How many times does this happen to you that , you can just laugh it off. Most girls would have lost it at this point and would have been pissed. She was kinda cheery. After this , I'm thinking to myself, what did i expect? It took me all of five minutes to get you on board. Her name was Mary, i wasn't even fucking close.
So we go to our usually spot of the night, or at least the starting point of most nights, O'malleys. I get there and everyone and their mother is out. So I'm feeling pretty good that this is gonna be a good night. So i go in, a couple friends buy me drinks , i have some shots. The night is going good. I'm outside having a cigarette with my friends, just being an complete obnoxious drunk. When i drink and i get to that level , i tend to talk to anyone and everyone that has a fucking vagina. This group of girls walks by , i obviously had to open my mouth. "Hey you! You with the fucking blond hair, get over here." I'm still a little shocked that she actually came over , because i definitely was that raging drunk outside the bar. I have no idea who this girl is, were talking and her friend comes up. " Do you know Travis? He's a real asshole!" I'm like you should probably listen to your friend. She laughs it off. At this point, I'm definitely gonna go in for the kill on this one tonight. It took me all of five minutes to convince her to leave her friends and come chill with me. Yes, I'm the asshole who drives when he is drunk. This particular time, I'm surprised we made it back, but we did. Then we did the damn thing .
Okay. Morning i wake up , I'm still hazy on where i even am. I roll over. I see a naked girl, okay normally, not a bad situation. Who the fuck is this? I have never seen this person in my life . So i drive her home. The whole way there, I'm thinking in my head. Amanda? Erika? Julie? Now i dropped her off ,and I'm on the way home and this is driving me nuts. Finally , I'm like fuck it. I'm gonna text her and ask. "This may be kinda awkward and i don't wanna be a dick, but what's your name and who are you? And she just laughs it off, really your just gonna laugh off. How many times does this happen to you that , you can just laugh it off. Most girls would have lost it at this point and would have been pissed. She was kinda cheery. After this , I'm thinking to myself, what did i expect? It took me all of five minutes to get you on board. Her name was Mary, i wasn't even fucking close.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Day One
Well here it goes. It's time for me to share my fucked up adventures with the entire world.
First i'll give you a quick run down of my life...
My name is Travis , many have come to know me as Trainwreck, because i'm a complete mess of life. To be honest i'm a complete asshole and tend to destroy everything and everyone that i come into contact with. I like to party alot, every weekend you can find me next to the nearest keg in town or slamming down jack & cokes in a local bar. Most of the time it results in broken store front windows and a new girl either loving me or hating me. Many people ask me how my love life is going , well the love life isn't going far , my sex life on the other hand , is well out of hand to be honest. I'm still trying to figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing at this point. I'm known for rarely making a good decision. I just generally make terrible decisions in life.....
....i'm gonna start sharing some of these decisions with you.
First i'll give you a quick run down of my life...
My name is Travis , many have come to know me as Trainwreck, because i'm a complete mess of life. To be honest i'm a complete asshole and tend to destroy everything and everyone that i come into contact with. I like to party alot, every weekend you can find me next to the nearest keg in town or slamming down jack & cokes in a local bar. Most of the time it results in broken store front windows and a new girl either loving me or hating me. Many people ask me how my love life is going , well the love life isn't going far , my sex life on the other hand , is well out of hand to be honest. I'm still trying to figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing at this point. I'm known for rarely making a good decision. I just generally make terrible decisions in life.....
....i'm gonna start sharing some of these decisions with you.
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